Sparks Nevada: Fire Marshal on Mars
by JordanaSBrandt
Summary: From the hit podcast "The Thrilling Adventure Hour." In the middle of a visit from Croach's parents, Las Piratas Mutantes try to rob the space bank. Can Sparks protect the Martian bank? Can Sparks and Croach work together? Most importantly, can Sparks convince Croach's parents that he and Croach are NOT cow-poking together?


SPARKS NEVADA: FIRE MARSHAL ON MARS

NARRATOR

When we last left our hero...yada yada yada... We join our hero in the space bank.

SPARKS NEVADA

My point is that it's important to have your own bank account, to keep your money safe.

CROACH THE TRACKER

I still do not fully comprehend the necessity of the human concept designated money. Why not simply share resources equally in order to prevent rampant societal inequality?

SPARKS

Well, where have you been keeping your money until now? How do you keep it safe from robbers and the like?

CROACH

I do not have any. When I worked for you, my only payment was a reduction in my onus. And in my tribe, currency was unnecessary.

Sound Effect: Space doors whoosh open and closed.

PRYAN THE RADIO REPAIRER

Croach the Tracker!

KRITUG THE HAIR DRESSER

Our initial offspring!

PRYAN

We had been informed that you were currently located in this establishment, and it appears that that information is indeed accurate in regards to both geography and chronology.

CROACH

Parental units! I was unaware of your proximity to my current location. What is your purpose in searching for me?

KRITUG

We have heard that you have found a mate, so we have come to get accurate information from the original source: you.

PRYAN

Upon finding the accurate information, we will then express either our approval or disapproval of this unification as the case may be.

CROACH

I see. Unfortunately, my unification with the Red Plains Rider was short lived as well as disastrous.

Despite multiple attempts at successful mating, I was unable to achieve physical satisfaction while engaging in our premarital couplings.

SPARKS

Gross.

CROACH

While she may have been satisfied with our physical interactions, the sensations were not mutually experienced.

PRYAN

Actually, the being that you were rumored to have unified with is supposedly designated PARKS-neh-vee-DAH.

SPARKS

Wait, what? Sparks Nevada?

CROACH

That is not accurate.

SPARKS

Yeah, we're not mating or unified or anything like that. Martians are gross, no offense.

KRITUG

I am concerned at the inaccuracy in our information.

CROACH

Parental units, let me introduce you to my _coworker_, Sparks Nevada. I was assigned to him to fulfill our tribe's onus. Sparks Nevada, let me introduce you to my female progenitor Pryan the Radio Repairer, and my male progenitor Kritug the Hair Dresser.

SPARKS

Wait, your dad is a hair dresser.

That explains a lot.

CROACH

Yes. The Being you would designate as my "dad" is the only hair dresser in my tribe. Wielding his Space Hair Dryer and his Comb of Serenity, he rights the hairstyle wrongs on Mars.

KRITUG

I am pleased to make your acquaintance, Sparks Nevada, Faithful Human Companion of Croach the Tracker.

SPARKS

Actually, you can just call me Marshal Nevada.

KRITUG

Marshal Nevada? You mean you are the marshal for this, the planet of Mars.

SPARKS

Yep. I protect everything on this planet, includin' space banks.

KRITUG

Ah, so you keep this planet safe by enforcing building codes to make sure the structures are safe from mars-quakes and space fires.

SPARKS

No.

You're thinking of Andrew Goodstein, the Fire Marshal on Mars.

PRYAN

That makes sense. Sparks would be a terrible name for a fire marshal.

SPARKS

Anyway, for the record, I did try to pay Croach with human money, but he would only accept onus credit.

CROACH

This is correct.

SPARKS

Hey, while you guys are here, do you have any embarrassin' stories from when Croach was growin' up?

KRITUG

You mean something that caused great shame.

SPARKS

Yeah, sure.

PRYAN

Well, there was one incident when Croach was a youngling.

SPARKS

This is gonna be good.

PRYAN

He was invited over to a peer's place of residence for an overnight observance of community in order to congratulate his peer on surviving another cycle on this planet.

SPARKS

So, a birthday party sleepover.

KRITUG

Yes. In the middle of the night, Croach began to show emotion.

SPARKS

So, did you have to go pick him up cuz he was afraid of being away from home overnight?

CROACH

Not exactly.

PRYAN

While at the party, Croach imbibed a large amount of the human beverage designated hot cocoa. It was a rare delicacy at the time, and Croach's peer had obtained some. After numerous rounds of cocoa, he began to sing.

CROACH

But only for a brief period of time.

SPARKS

Wait, that's your embarrassin' story? The most shameful experience when Croach was growin' up was singing at a birthday party?

CROACH

Yes, what could be more shameful than that?

Sound Effect: Space bank doors swoosh open and closed.

ROBERTA

(heavy Spanish accent)

Everyone is to put their hands up!

BANDITO #2

(heavy Spanish accent)

Si!

HAROLD

(heavy Spanish accent)

Jes!

KRITUG

Oh, my.

ROBERTA

This is a space bank robbery.

CROACH

Well, now my money is truly safe from being stolen, now that it is in the space bank, which is currently being robbed.

SPARKS

Why don't you just shut up, chorus-boy.

CROACH

I do not understand that designation.

Sound Effect: Gun hammer clicking uselessly.

SPARKS

Hey, why won't my laser six-shooter work?

Sound Effect: A couple more clicks. Even more useless.

ROBERTA

Ha ha, Sparks Nevada! We have come prepared for dealing with you: we have brought this laser-gun-disabling-science-gun.

PHILLIPINA

It is a science gun that disables laser guns.

SPARKS

Yeah, I got that from the name.

But, wait, who are you guys?

ROBERTA

We are Las Piratas Mutantas, and I am their leader, Roberta! And this is Phillipina, and this is Harold.

We are a roving band of space pirates, and we will rob any bank we please! Also, we have thick Latina accents, for some reason.

CROACH

Are you a spin-off of Los Banditos Mutantes?

HAROLD

NO!

PHILLIPINA

No, no! Los Banditos Mutantes are a spin-off of us!

KRITUG

But I heard that Los Banditos claim that you are spin-off of them.

ROBERTA

No, that is backwards.

HAROLD

Posers.

ROBERTA

Anyway, Marshal Nevada, you will not be able to shoot your laser guns on account of our Laser-Gun-Disabling-Device.

PHILLIPINA

Marshal, please drop your laser six-shooter on the floor.

Sound Effect: Laser six-shooter being dropped on the wooden floor.

ROBERTA

Now, do you have any other weapons of which we should know, Sparks Nevada?

SPARKS

No, just that six-shooter there.

PHILLIPINA

Then, you would not mind if we fri-isk you.

ROBERTA

Harold, if you will.

SPARKS

Wait, what, no! Hey, I wouldn't hide anything there. And like I said, I don't have any more weapons.

Sound effects: Various items being dropped on the floor as...

PHILLIPINA

Then what about this second laser six-shooter?

SPARKS

I forgot I had that one.

PHILLIPINA

And this pair of robot fists?

HAROLD

Pow!

SPARKS

I consider those to be more like enhancers of my natural strength rather than offensive weapons in themselves.

PHILLIPINA

And your astro-spurs?

SPARKS

Those are more of a ... fashion accessory, than a...

ROBERTA

And the rest of you's? Have any of you any space weapons or strength enhancers? Or ... fashion accessories?

CROACH

Yes, I have this space gun.

KRITUG

Here is my hair dryer, which I use for my job as my tribe's hair dresser. I am the only hair dresser in my tribe.

PRYAN

I have a few tools in my radio repair kit, which I use for my job as my tribe's only radio repairer. They could possibly be utilized as makeshift weapons.

SPARKS

Guys, you don't have to tell them the truth.

KRITUG

Yes, we do.

PRYAN

We come from the tribe of Martians that never lies.

SPARKS

You don't say.

PHILLIPINA

Croach the Tracker, please put your space gun on the floor, but you two may keep your tools and hair dryer. Unless we require a radio to be repaired or some hair to be dressed.

CROACH

Sparks Nevada, I am glad they are not making us do what that Space-Crazy Preacher made us do in episode 6.

PRYAN

What did he make you do?

CROACH

He forced us to show him our feet.

KRITUG

So, you have shown Sparks Nevada your feet?

PRYAN

The showing of feet is the most sacred bonding ritual between non-platonic partners.

SPARKS

Hey, no, it wasn't like that. No.

CROACH

It was not in a sexual context, but I did show my feet to Sparks Nevada.

SPARKS

And we were at gunpoint. That's a very important point to mention. You know, the gunpoint part.

CROACH

Yes, we were being threatened by a space-crazy preacher who had a space rifle and a detonator for space dynamite. To prevent dishonor from being brought upon me, our tribe, even the great nah-NO-tech, I chose to display my feet.

SPARKS

It's just nanotech. And I thought we agreed to never talk about that again.

CROACH

I agreed to not bring it up within the context of an unrelated conversation. I did not agree to lie when asked a clarifying question in response to a vague reference I made to the event in question. I am from the tribe of Martians that never lies.

I also required that Sparks Nevada stimulate my egg-sacs in order to display my feet.

SPARKS

Okay, that was uncalled for. You don't have to tell everyone every little detail about everything you know. Can we just focus on the situation on hand?

PRYAN

Well, I have a relevant question...

SPARKS

Thank God.

PRYAN

...how are the guns held by Los Bandito Mutantes able to work? Doesn't the laser-gun-disabling-science-gun disable all nearby laser guns?

PHILLIPINA

We are using offensive weapons which were used on Earth in ancient times. They are known as...bullet guns.

CROACH

Ba gropa, I have heard of those.

ROBERTA

Now, we require that the space bank vault be opened for us! Where is the space bank tellador?

SPARKS

Not here.

CROACH

But he will return within a quarter of an hour.

SPARKS

Croach!

ROBERTA

Then we will all of us await his imminent return. Hey, what are you doing, Marshal Nevada?

CROACH

Sparks Nevada is pressing the alarm button that is located near the bank teller desk.

SPARKS

Come on!

ROBERTA

Marshal Nevada, you have made an unwise decision, considering you are being robbed by Las Piratas Mutantas!

PHILLIPINA/HAROLD

Jes!

ROBERTA

For if reinforcements do arrive, Las Piratas Mutantas will not surrender without a fight, or at the very least a space hostage siege.

SPARKS

Takin' space hostages will only increase the amount of trouble y'all are in with the law. Just walk out of this space bank right now, and I'll let you off easy.

ROBERTA

As we have just said, no!

PRYAN

Observe how Marshal Nevada is very protective of our son.

KRITUG

Yes, they obviously have deep feelings for each other.

SPARKS

What?

ROBERTA

Harold, Phillipina, please go and blockade the back doors to this bank.

HAROLD/PHILLIPINA

Aye, aye, Roberta.

ROBERTA

I will stay with the space hostages.

Sound effect: Harold and Phillipina walk away to secure the back doors.

ROBERTA

Now, I wish to offer my opinion on the relationship between the marshal and his Martian.

Music: Sweet, sorrowful, deep music begins to play.

SPARKS

Wait, what?

ROBERTA

It is true that I am, right now, roving wild and free across the red plains of this planet, stealing and robbing as I please. But my hearts has been taken captive by one of Los Banditos Mutantes. We are mutants, so we have more than one heart.

SPARKS

Sure.

ROBERTA

Our mutant gangs are rivals, but despite our differences, my love for Sklor cannot be denied. My hearts long for his hearts, my other body parts long for his other body parts, and my flesh longs for his flesh.

SPARKS

I didn't need to know that...

ROBERTA

And yet, I, the Dread Pirate Roberta, can never be with a member of a rival mutant gang. Sklor, Sklor, whyfore art thou Sklor? Be thankful, marshal and Martian, that external forces beyond your control have not kept the two of you apart. Be thankful that you are not star-crossed lovers, like Sklor and I.

Sound effect: Harold and Phillipina returning.

HAROLD

We have secured the rear door of this establishment.

PRYAN

Well, secure this!

PHILLIPINA

Wait, why do those two Martians have their tools of trade out?

Sound effect: Hair dryer comes on and something clangs.

ROBERTA

Ow! You have stabbed me in my gun hand with one of your radio repair tools! And why are you pointing your hair dryer at me?

KRITUG

Because Martian hair dryers emit gamma radiation, which reverses the polarity of Martian hair follicles and also disables any nearby laser-gun-disabling-science-guns.

PRYAN

Sparks, Croach! Now's your chance!

Sound effect: Laser guns being shot.

ROBERTA

You have shot my arm that is holding my space gun! I will have to replace it with a hook.

PHILLIPINA

You have done the same to my own arm. It is also the same arm that was holding my gun.

HAROLD

And I am in the same situation.

ROBERTA

How will I ever caress my beloved Sklor when I will have only a hook to stroke his flesh?

SPARKS

I don't care. And, that is too much information.

KRITUG

We did it!

SPARKS

Yeah, I did it. You're welcome. Anyway, Croach, how about you and your parentgeniters...

CROACH

It's progenitors.

SPARKS

Whatever. ...how about y'all go down to the space saloon. I'm going to take Las Piratas down to the marshal station and put them in el jailador.

PHILLIPINA

That is not correct Space-spañol. Do you even speak Space-spañol?

NARRATOR

Later, at the Space saloon.

Music: pleasant Western-style saloon background music.

Sound effect: Space saloon doors whoosh open and closed.

BARKEEP

So Marshal, I hear you helped foil a space bank robbery. In thanks for keeping trouble out of our town, and thus out of my place, have one on the house.

Sound effect: Glass of beer being slid down the counter.

SPARKS

Thanks Barkeep. Yep, it was a tough day, but I won, because I'm ... from Earth. Yeah, I shot all of the Piratas.

CROACH

Actually, it was through teamwork and creative use of work-related tools that we managed to...

SPARKS

First I disabled the science-gun that was disablin' my laser gun, then I shot all the Piratas so they couldn't shoot at us. It was epic. But there is no need to thank me. Anyway...

PRYAN

Sparks Nevada...

SPARKS

Present.

PRYAN

...Croach the Tracker...

CROACH

Yes?

PRYAN

I have been in a discussion with my marital counterpart, and we have come to a conclusion.

KRITUG

It is true that same-sex couplings are rare in our culture, seeing as they do not result in offspring. However, we have decided to be accepting of this union.

SPARKS

Wait, it's like I told you. We ain't in any type a union or anything.

KRITUG

In addition, I can see how you would be physically attracted to a man such as this: chiseled jaw, piercing blue eyes, erect posture.

SPARKS

Well, I mean, yeah. But...

KRITUG

He carries himself with such great arrogance, completely out of proportion to his actual abilities.

SPARKS

What? Hey!

PRYAN

What we are trying to say, to both of you, is that whether or not the two of you recognize the functionality and efficiency of your partnership, we grant our approval of your union.

SPARKS

Seriously?

CROACH

While your understanding of our partnership is erroneous, I am appreciative of your support.

SPARKS

Whatever.

PRYAN

It has been good to get an accurate update on your status, Croach the Tracker. And now it is time for us to return to our primary place of residency.

KRITUG

Farewell, our initial offspring. And farewell, to you, Sparks Nevada, faithful human companion of Croach the Tracker.

SPARKS

No, I told you: I go by my marshal title.

KRITUG

My apologies. Farewell, Sparks Nevada, Fire Marshal on Mars.

Sound effect: Space saloon doors whoosh open and closed.

SPARKS

Actually, it's just Marshal ... but they're gone.

Well Croach, it looks like it's just me and you again.

CROACH

Yes.

SPARKS

Wanna have a beer with me?

CROACH

Yes.

Music: Conclusion music starts up.

NARRATOR

Is this the end of Sparks Nevada!?

SPARKS

Why does he always say that?

NARRATOR

What dangers lurk on the horizon of the red planet for our peril-prone pair. Find out next month, in another excitin' episode titled "Why the Oblong Face?"


End file.
